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Smiles (Laughs even) Are Good for your Health!
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
If you have something to contribute to our zest for life, please email it to
We'll show your name on your submission, unless you say no.
Signs of the Times, rec'd 2023.09.13 from Annie Peschmann|
For the Ladies, rec'd 2023.08.30 from Annie Peschmann
The Importance of Walking, rec'd 2023.08.22 from Annie Peschmann
Getting to Know Mummy, rec'd 2023.08.22 from Annie Peschmann
Toronto, A Very Nice Place to Live, rec'd 2023.06.10 from Doug Williams
Lexophilia rec'd 2023.05.08 from Carole Weiner
Garage Door, etc. rec'd 2023.04.09 from Anna Peschmann
Estate Planning rec'd 2023.04.09 from Anna Peschmann
The Pilot and the Priest rec'd 2023.02.24 from Anna Peschmann
Only in America rec'd 2023.02.16 from Anna Peschmann
Senior Smiles rec'd 2023.02.16 from Anna Peschmann
Reading Damage rec'd 2022.10.23 from Anna Peschmann
Mama Taught Her Well rec'd 2022.10.23 from Anna Peschmann
A Queen's Tale rec'd 2022.10.13 from Gerry Wharton
Lawyers rec'd 2022.09.26 from Jeep Fortier
Old Age is Great rec'd 2022.09.22 from Anna Peschmann
Quotes on Aging rec'd 2022.08.22 from Anna Peschmann
Golf Story rec'd 2022.08.08 from Anna Peschmann
Jewish Grandmother, Italian Grandfather, Irish Blonde rec'd 2022.08.05 from Anna Peschmann
Contrasts rec'd 2022.08.05 from Anna Peschmann
Life Expectancy rec'd 2022.07.30 from Anna Peschmann
Homecoming rec'd 2022.06.12 from Jeep Fortier
Boring Poems rec'd 2022.06.09 from Anna Peschmann
Policing Ways rec'd 2022.05.26 from friend Alda
Senior Truths rec'd 2022.05.19 from Elizabeth Cameron
Why God Made Moms rec'd 2022.05.06 from Anna Peschmann
The Lady and the Bank rec'd 2022.02.21 from Elizabeth Cameron
Annie Peschmann 2022.02.14 re 4 Year Old's First Paycheck
Annie Peschmann 2022.02.07 re What Starts with an F
Annie Peschmann 2022.02.07 re The Cynical Philosopher
Annie Peschmann 2022.02.07 re Grins and Snickers
Annie Peschmann 2022.02.07 re A Horse of a Different Colour
Annie Peschmann 2022.01.29 re New Virus Variants
Annie Peschmann 2022.01.21 re A Little Poem for Seniors
Annie Peschmann 2022.01.17 re Porcupines
Annie Peschmann 2022.01.17 re Shakespeare & Vaccination
Annie Peschmann 2022.01.13 re Tech Support
Annie Peschmann 2022.01.10 re A Touching Love Story
How Children Perceive Their Grandparents, rec'd from Annie Peschmann 2022.01.05
SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE|
"We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you."
A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:
“Blind man driving.”
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.”
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.”
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
will take appropriate action.”
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”
The importance of Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.|
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
If you don't forward this to 1 of your friends within the next 5 minutes your bellybutton will unscrew and your butt will fall off.
Subject: Getting To Know Mommy|
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.
"It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card; it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex.
Gotta love some of these--too funny|
Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", "To write with a broken pencil is pointless." An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile. This year's submissions:
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was 20 down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.
Subject: JUST HAPPY PEOPLE......... an oldie but goodie
JUST HAPPY PEOPLE
This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, regardless of gender.
Men Are Just Happier People! What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!
NICKNAME • If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. • If Mike, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman.
EATING OUT • When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None will have anything smaller and admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.
MONEY. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS • A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of soap, and a towel • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items
ARGUMENTS • A woman has the last word in any argument. • Anything a man says after that begins a new argument.
FUTURE • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband • / A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY. A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! So, send this to the women who have a sense of humour .... and to the men who will enjoy reading.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Do I know her?'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'v ' Twelve thirty..'
Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . ..!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh.
My buddy Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.|
He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.
Tom wanted two things:
• to find a wife to share his fortune.
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men…
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.|
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '
The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
- One in office|
- One in prison
Apparently, Illinois already does this, and it seems to work for them!
Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America ... do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America ... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER .... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do the
erilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the entire plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro... is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity.
Couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that
they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things
down to help them remember .|
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ' Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Is she a good cook?' 'Nah, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.' ’Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
'Because she can still drive!'
A man was telling his neighbor,
'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
Moe , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Reading can seriously damage your ignorance.|
The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.
Life is all about ass: you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, getting some, being taught by one, busting it, behaving like one, or you live with one.
Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at 60 than at age 6.
Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn't have children there's a high probability you won't either.
If you're not called crazy when you start something new, then you're not thinking big enough.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what the hell is wrong with you?
"I'm 85 and my body is full of aches and pains."
"Well, I'm 85 and I feel like a newborn baby."
"Yep, no teeth, no hair, and I just wet my pants."
When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.
Just once, I want the user name and password prompt to say, "Close enough."
Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate either one.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
If you see me talking to myself just move along. I'm self-employed, and we're having a meeting.
"Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.
I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine. I'm aging like milk. Getting sour and chunky.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support person is asleep. She's 5 and it's past her bedtime.
Today's 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
Tip for a successful marriage: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she's mowing the lawn.
So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?!
Subject: Mama taught her well|
You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
> A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,
> "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says."
> The teacher asked, "Really. And what four little animals would that be?"
> The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
> The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.
This received from a British friend.
A Queen s TALE
We'll always remember her sense of humor and that beautiful smile.
I was on Guard of Honour, waiting for the King of Saudi Arabia, on Horseguards.
On the right flank; Scots Guard (100 guardsmen) a gap, HM The Queen, mounted in uniform; alongside her the CO Colonel Gerald, another gap, then on the left flank, the Queen s Company Grenadier Guards (100 guardsmen).
We re stood at ease waiting.
Suddenly the silence was broken by Colonel Gerald s charger erupting with horse farts at full volume for two minutes.
Embarrassed and staring straight ahead Colonel Gerald says, Sorry about that your Majesty!
She replies, in a wonderful voice, That s alright Gerald, . . . I thought it was your horse!
200 guardsmen silently cried with laughter, and tapped their rifle butts on the gravel.
From that moment, every man there adored her!
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ...in court, word for word, taken
down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.|
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?
' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started arou nd 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And last but not least:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he was alive and practicing law.
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an
allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I
hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to
gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.|
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
>>>>> "If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
>>>>> "Old age comes at a bad time." San Banducci
>>>>> "Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
>>>>> "Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
>>>>> "The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
>>>>> "I m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
>>>>> "Nice to be here? At my age it s nice to be anywhere." George Burns
>>>>> "First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your down." - Leo Rosenberg
>>>>> You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you re actually not that tired. Robert Brault
>>>>> Old people shouldn t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get. Robert Orben
>>>>> "At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
>>>>> It s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit. Elizabeth Lesser
>>>>> "The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
>>>>> "At age 20, we worry about what others think of us at age 40, we don t care what they think of us at age 60, we discover they haven t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
>>>>> "When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I m labeled senile." GB
>>>>> "The important thing to remember is that I m probably going to forget." - Unknown
>>>>> "We don t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
>>>>> It s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn t appeal to anyone. Andy Rooney
>>>>> The older I get, the better I used to be. Lee Trevino
>>>>> "I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me they re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
>>>>> "Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
>>>>> "Grandchildren don t make a man feel old, it s the knowledge that he s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
>>>>> "When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it s a sure sign you re getting old." - Mark Twain
>>>>> "You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
>>>>> "There s one advantage to being 102, there s no peer pressure." Dennis Wolfberg
>>>>> "There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
>>>>> "Looking fifty is great if you re sixty." - Joan Rivers
>>>>> "At my age getting lucky means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown "
>>>>> Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." George Burns "
>>>>> "Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
A Golf Story|
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.
So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
Yes, I do,' said Shawn.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...
You know you smiled now keep that smile for the rest of the day.
? 1. The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........
"What . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
2.Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
_____________________________ _ _______ _____________
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine!
Laughs of the day! ENJOY!|
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes, but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is priceless.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors, and Budweiser. Men may state their preferences but will grab whatever is available.
I haven't verified these on "Snopes," but they sound about right!!
THE 5 ANSWERS YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR (again not verified by Snopes )!!!
1. Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'Downunder'.
2. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear
3. Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES ORIGINALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.
4. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER
Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Nominated as the world's best short joke:
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet" she replied.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.|
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?'
I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,
Then, why do you even give a shit?
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.|
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
THESE ARE SOME OF THE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND
THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:|
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other,
That is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?
How do you tell the difference between an American Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer, a Scottish police officer and a
Canadian Police Officer?|
QUESTION:You're a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your revolver and truncheon and are an expert in using them. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
What do you do?
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click' . . . Reload . .
. BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
Australian Police Officer:
Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knife richt this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"
Canadian Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's rights under The Charter of Rights and Freedoms:
1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Has my uniform caused him anguish?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
Enjoy the laughs. Many truths in here:
My evolving view of things:|
As I ve grown older, I ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
I m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.
It s not my age that bothers me; it s the side effects.
I m not saying I m old and worn out, but I make sure I m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
As I ve gotten older, people think I ve become lazy. The truth is I m just being more energy efficient.
I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
So you ve been eating hot dogs and McNuggets all your life, but you won t take the vaccine because you don t know what s in it. Are you kidding me?
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.
Just on time for Mother's Day.|
Do not underestimate the wisdom of children.
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, I would like to withdraw $10 please.|
The teller told her, For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.
The old lady wanted to know why ...
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, Please help me withdraw all the money I have.
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $3000.
"Well, please let me have $3000 now", she said. The teller then handed it to her in a very friendly and respectful way.
The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.
The moral of this tale .......
Don't be difficult with old people. They spent a lifetime learning the skills.
Smart people know to only believe half of what they hear, but it takes genius to know which half.
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl & some construction workers. This will make you believe that we all can make a difference, when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her; let her sit with them, while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother, who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew, building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall."
WHAT STARTS WITH AN "F"|
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'Harry:'9.'
Principal: 'What is6 x 6?'Harry:'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'You know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rdgrade.'
But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions. 'The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question.
Harry replied: 'Pockets ... to the Principal s great relief...
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into? 'Harry: 'Pants.'
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question......
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, "Put the little shit in 5th-Grade, I got the last five questions wrong myself.."
The Cynical Philosopher |
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, Here, fill this out?
I can t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, Sag Harbor.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations I m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I m worried about the 175 pounds I ve gained since then.
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Grins and Snickers|
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have passed.
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? "
The man said, "Yes."
The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
A man was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up and whacked him on the head with a magazine.|
"What was that for?" he asked. That was for the piece of paper in your trousers with the name Laura Lou written on it."
'Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on, I bought you those flowers with the winnings'.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry, I should have known there was an explanation"
Three days later she smacked him again, He asked "what was that for'?
"Your horse phoned."
We are still battling COVID-19 but the next thing is here already!|
Virologists have identified a new Nile virus - type C. It appears to target those who were born between 1930 & 1970 but primarily Boomers.
2. Sending a blank email.
3. Sending a message to the wrong person.
4. Sending it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Forgetting to attach the attachment.
6. Hitting SEND before you've finished.
7. Hitting DELETE instead of SEND.
8. Hitting SEND when you should hit DELETE.
That is why it is called the C-NILE virus.
Fable of the Porcupines|
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.
The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.
The moral of the story is:
"Just learn to live with the pricks in your life."
Subject: William Shakespeare CAME TO BE VACCINATED!|
Nurse: Which arm?
Shakespeare: As you like it
Nurse: Was that painful?
Shakespeare:Much ado about nothing.
Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.
Shakespeare: Measure for measure?
Nurse: So, how was the experience?
Shakespeare: A midsummer night's dream!
Nurse: So what do you think of the govt handling of Covid?
Shakespeare: It's a Comedy of Errors.
Shakespeare now asks the nurse:
Shakespeare: When will my quarantine end?
Nurse: On the Twelfth Night.
Shakespeare: Who will foot my quarantine bill?
Nurse: The Merchant of Venice.
Shakespeare: Where will I be put up for my quarantine?
Nurse: In a Hamlet.
Shakespeare: Thank you for helping me!
Nurse: All's Well That Ends Well.
A young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship with her husband) presumably did it as a joke.
Then she got a reply which was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was genius!|
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: Ithoughtyouloved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2.
Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In- Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0.
From: Anna Peschmann|
Sent: Monday, January 10, 2022 10:04 PM
Subject: Fwd: we all need to laugh these days!!
A touching love story....
An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke, and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I'll probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me happy birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both real old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try figuring out some of this stuff for yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said, warily. "How do you make babies?"
"It's easy," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. "Give me a sentence about a public servant," instructed the teacher during a lesson. One small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," offered one child.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny. When they bend over, you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.