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35 Wynford Heights Crescent, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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Smiles 2020

Posted 2020.12.29

Smile for health
Smiles(Laughs even) Are Good for your Health!

Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

If you have something to contribute to our zest for life, please email it to webmail@wynfordtowerresidents.ca
We'll show your name on your submission, unless you say no.


Newest at Bottom
Four Seniors on a Train
Where is my Sunday Paper?
Some Reasons Why English is hard to Learn
Great Truths About Life
An Amazing Two Letter Word
Circus Adoption
Some Irish Jokes (2017/03/22)
For Lexophiles, rec'd from friend Alda 2017/06/02
English is Tough, from Facebook 2017/06/08
The Value of a Good Vocabulary, 2017/07/05
Shingles, 2017/07/05
Arguing with Intelligent Women, 2017/08/01
On the Lighter Side, from Our Coffee News 2017/08/08
A Man with no Enemies, rec'd 2018/01/06 from Bud Mann
Church Ladies with Typewriters, rec'd 2018/03/02 from Alda
Senior Moments, Rec'd 2018/03/09 from Carole
Why Teachers Drink rec'd 2015/03/28 from Art
How Do Court Reporters Keep a Straight Face? 2015/04/06 from Chris
Children's Bible rec'd 2015/04/06 from Chris
This Keeps You Humble, rec'd 2018/04/02 from Billie
The Bagpiper, rec'd 2018/04/24 from Cousin Ron
School Teacher Arrested, rec'd 2018/05/16 from friend Billie
Profound Smiles, rec'd 2015/03/31 from Marg
Better Than a Flu Shot, rec'd 2018/06/14 from Billie
A New Interpretaiot of Being Poor
Wisdom of Phyllis Diller, Rec'd 2019/01/18 from Alda
Donkey Race, rec'd from Annie 2020/11/13
Poor Santa, Recd'd 2019/12/06 from Terry Jones
Inner Peace, Recd'd from Aubrey 2020/03/27
New Mask, Recd'd 2020/03//27 from Aubrey
Till Death Us Do Part, Recd'd from Dorothy & Hi 2020/03/28
Re Government Help for Seniors, Recd'd from Annie via Aubrey 2020/03/29
Some COVID19 pics 2020/04/09
Toilet Paper - A Big Issue in the Early Days of COVID-19 (2020/04/09)
Special Message from Her Majesty the Queen, Rec'd from Annie 2020/04/17
What My Dad Does for a Living, Rec'd from Elizabeth 2020/05/14
Never Upset a Nurse, Rec'd from Alda 2020/05/16
Pistol, Rec'd from Henry 2020/05/31
Aphorisms, Rec'd from Elizabeth 2020/06/20
Marriage is Sharing, Rec'd from Annie 2020/06/22
Rioting in the Villages, Rec'd from Elizabeth 2020/07/09
Generation Gap, Rec'd from Annie 2020/07/16
Senior Humour, Rec'd from Annie 2020/07/22
Biblical Humour, Rec'd from Billie 2020/07/23
Smiles for the Day, rec'd from Billie 2020/07/24
Keep Your Distance, rec'd from Annie 2020/07/25
Women and Pizza, rec'd from Annie 2020/08/21
Punny Potatoes, rec'd from Elizabeth 2020/08/31
Grandmas Don't Know Everything, rec'd from Pierre 2020/09/17
The Winter Boots, rec'd from Annie 2020/09/30
The Science of Weather Forecasting, rec'd from Annie 2020/10/18
Creative Accounting, rec'd from Annie 2020/10/18
Mathematics for Success, rec'd from Annie 2020/10/26
Donkey Race, rec'd from Annie 2020/11/13
Employee Notice, rec'd from Annie 2020/11/14
How to Win First Prize, rec'd from Alda 2020/10/22
A Sweet Grandmother, rec'd from Alda 2020/10/19
Senior Quiz, rec'd from Billie 2020/10/23
A Month Before Christmas, rec'd from Terry 2020/10/26
Home Schooling 2020/11/29
A COVID Christmas, rec'd from Annie 2020/12/19
Four Retirees Visit a Bar, rec'd from Annie 2020/12/29
Einstein's Chauffeur, rec'd from Annie 2020/12/29


Four Seniors on a Train
Submitted by Bill Lynn, 2016-09-05 (Old, but still fun)
Four seniors were travelling on a train in England:
1st senior: "This is Wembley"
2nd senior: "No, it's Thursday"
3rd senior: "So am I. Let's get off and have a drink."
Smiles


Where is my Sunday Paper?
Copied from Summerlea.ca
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..."Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either."
Smiles


Some Reasons Why English is hard to Learn
Forwarded by Wanda Ellins of Keswick, Ontario
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22) The accountant at the music store records records of the records.

Let's face it-English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

Doesn't it seem crazy
that you can make amends but not one amend,
that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horsefull carriage or a strapfull gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?
And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Smiles


Great Truths About Life
Forwarded by Heather-Anne Hubbell of Milford, England
Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4. You can't trust a dog to watch your food.

5. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.

6. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

7. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

8. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned.

1. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

2. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

3. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

4. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

5. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.

6. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

7. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

8. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

The Four Stages of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You become Santa Claus.
4) You start to look like Santa Claus.
Smiles


An Amazing Two Letter Word
Forwarded by CM Baldwin, 2016-09-07
A reminder that one word in the English language can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.

One two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now .. . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!

Did that one crack you UP?

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book .. . .. or not . . . it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut UP!
Smiles


Circus Adoption
Forwarded by Brian Burke, 2016-10-17
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. Social workers there raised doubts about their suitability to provide for the child.

The couple produced photos of their 45-foot motor home, which was clean, well maintained and equipped with a beautiful bedroom for the child.

The social workers raised concerns about the level of education the child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

The social workers expressed concern about the child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet. In addition, there are 17 other children who travel with their circus parents."

The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits into the cannon."
Smiles


Some Irish Jokes, 2017/03/22
Stolen from the 2017/03/22 programme of the Kiwanis Club of Don Mills

Question: Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer: So the English can understand them.

Finnegan: "My wife has a habit of stayin' up until two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it."
Keegan: "What on earth is she doin' at that time?"
Finnegan: "Waitin' fer me ta come home."

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks that he's very lucky - his wife makes him walk.

An American lawyer asked Paddy, "Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question he answers it with another question?"
"Who told you that?", replied Paddy.

O'Reilly was on trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's great!, shouted O'Reilly, "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
Smiles


For Lexophiles, rec'd from friend Alda 2017/06/02
Some old, some new...
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

... The batteries were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

Smiles


English is Tough, from Facebook 2017/06/08
Yes, English is weird. It can be understood, though, through tough, thorough thought.
Smiles


The Value of a Good Vocabulary, forwarded by Roosevelt Robinson 2017/07/05
THE VALUE OF A GOOD VOCABULARY

I called an old classmate and asked what he was doing. He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed...
Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision
Smiles


Shingles, forwarded by Bill White 2017/07/05
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the Doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.
Smiles


Arguing with Intelligent Women, forwarded by Jacques Boucher, 2017/08/01
Never Argue with a thinking Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out herself.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read a book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish & Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?’

‘Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that quite obvious?')

‘You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I am reading!’

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up a ticket.'

‘If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

‘But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.’

‘Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.
Smiles


On the Lighter Side, from Our Coffee News 2017/08/08
The following bits of trivia are from Our Coffee News, a single sheet paper found in a fast food restaurant in London, Ontario, 7 July 2017.

"Hey, is the bull in this field safe?", the man shouted to the farmer on the other side of the fence.
"Well, put it this way," replied the farmer, "he's a whole lot safer than you are."

Why were the police at the baseball game?
They heard someone stole second base.

Doctor: "I wouldn't worry about your habit of talking to yourself."
Patient: "But, Doctor, I'm such a bore!"
Smiles


A Man with no Enemies, rec'd 2018/01/06 from Bud Mann
Meet Walter Barnes

All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."

Then he calmly returned to his seat.
Smiles


Church Ladies with Typewriters, rec'd 2018/03/02 from Alda
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door...

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And this one just about sums them all up.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge—Up Yours.'
Smiles


Senior Moments, Rec'd 2018/03/09 from Carole
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about twenty minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment, then says
'Where's my toast?'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive !'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Smiles


Why Teachers Drink rec'd 2015/03/28 from Art
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination, These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).

Q. Name the four seasons.
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed?
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope).

Q... What happens to your body as you age?
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant).

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work).

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit).

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable).

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant).

Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we're getting somewhere).
Smiles


How Do Court Reporters Keep a Straight Face? 2015/04/06 from Chris
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ...in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
_____________________________________
Smiles


Children's Bible rec'd 2015/04/06 from Chris
HOW ASPARAGUS GOT ITS NAME; MAKES SENSE TO ME... A sixth grade child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what he wrote:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, I was.'')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Smiles


This Keeps You Humble, rec'd 2018/04/02 from Billie
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well...you'll love this one.

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS Diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my school class some 40 years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?

Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man, with the deeply lined face, was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

“Yes”, he said. “I am a Mustang” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered “in 1967. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class”, I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely, then this ugly, old, bald, wrinkle faced, fat-assed, gray haired decrepit son of a bitch asked me.......... “What did you teach?”
Smiles


The Bagpiper, rec'd 2018/04/24 from Cousin Ron
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man and as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

"I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Smiles


School Teacher Arrested, rec'd 2018/05/16 from friend Billie
A high school teacher was arrested today at Kelowna International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier John Horgan said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the RCMP with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Premier said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code-names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval, with coordinates in every country. As the Greek Philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."'

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Trudeau said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

Fellow Liberal colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by any Prime Minister.
Smiles


Profound Smiles, rec'd 2015/03/31 from Marg
Profound Smiles ... Well sort of!

~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor...
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Smiles


Better Than a Flu Shot, Rec'd 2018/06/14 from Billie
Old but still funny!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?', pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
Smiles


A New Interpretaiot of Being Poor
A NEW INTERPRETATION OF BEING REALLY POOR
6 year old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks: "Oh... How did it go?"
    "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.
    "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies.
    Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
    Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."
"No... but I can't tell them that we we’re so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!
Smiles


Wisdom of Phyllis Diller, Rcd'd 2019/01/18 from Alda

As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home.
This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice – they look just like me.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?'
He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Smiles


Poor Santa, Rcd'd 2019/12/06 from Terry Jones
Once upon a time, four of Santa's elves got sick and his trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones. Santa began to feel Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell through to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of apple cider with a shot of rum.

At the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum! In his frustration, he dropped the cider jug, which broke into pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it.

Just then the doorbell rang. A now thoroughly irritated Santa stomped to the door and yanked it open, only to find a sweet little angel holding a large Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, ”Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?”

Thus began the tradition of the angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.
Smiles


Inner Peace, Recd'd from Aubrey 2020/03/27 (the day after his 92nd birthday)
Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace.

To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.

I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha remainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!! ???
Smiles


New Mask, Recd'd 2020/03//27 from Aubrey
Image removed due to copyright concerns.
Smiles


Till Death Us Do Part, Recd'd from Dorothy & Hi 2020/03/28
Till Death Us Do Part
Smiles


Re Government Help for Seniors, Recd'd from Annie via Aubrey 2020/03/29
Response to Government Help for Seniors
Smiles


Some COVID19 pics 2020/04/09
Images removed due to copyright concerns.
Smiles


Toilet Paper - A Big Issue in the Early Days of COVID-19 (2020/04/09)
Images removed due to copyright concerns.
Smiles


Special Message from Her Majesty the Queen, Rec'd from Annie 2020/04/17
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

"In light of your failure tonominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota,and Utah, which she does not fancy).

Our new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'

    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

    8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Smiles


What My Dad Does for a Living, Rec'd from Elizabeth 2020/05/14
Little David was in his 5th grade class in a San Francisco charter school when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

“My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes he, if they are really good generous tippers, goes home with them.

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him,

"Is that really true about your father?”

“No, of course not;" said David. "He works for Donald Trump, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids!"
Smiles


Never Upset a Nurse, Rec'd from Alda 2020/05/16
Subject: NEVER UPSET A NURSE

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. " No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing..... After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."
Smiles


Pistol, Rec'd from Henry 2020/05/31
" Little 10 year old Donald Crump - while in his English class in school, was asked by the teacher to get up in front of the class and use the word "pistol" in a sentence.

So Donald got up, stood there thinking for a second or two, and then said "Last night my Dad got home late after hanging out with some friends. He went to our bar in the basement and drank till 1, and pissed till two."
Smiles


Aphorisms, Rec'd from Elizabeth 2020/06/20
APHORISMS

It's not whether you win or lose,
But how you place the blame.

We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?

A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

If at first you don't succeed,
Skydiving is not for you

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
Give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
To produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The latest survey shows that
Three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors."

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected
is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

Smiles


Marriage is Sharing, Rec'd from Annie 2020/06/22
Marriage is sharing

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

'THE TEETH.'
Smiles


Rioting in the Villages, Rec'd from Elizabeth 2020/07/09
Have fun reading this. I’m still laughing. Enjoy.

The rioting in major cities across the U.S. has spread to The Villages, Florida, a retirement community of 100,000.

Looters in Florida’s friendliest hometown have especially broken into stores that sell items like laxatives, vitamins, hearing aids, reading glasses, energy drinks and surgical stockings.

The thugs were easily caught and arrested since they were using their walkers and golf carts to flee.

The protests have been limited to the evening hours because most of the lawbreakers either had doctor’s appointments during the day or rioting would have interfered with their naps.

The marches didn’t last that long because many of the demonstrators had to get home to pee. In many cases, the demonstrators simply forgot why they were even there.

Officials considered a curfew starting at 9 p.m. But since that’s the time when most of the residents go to bed anyway, it was decided that it wasn’t needed.

Community leaders concluded that part of the problem was that residents were restless because they had too much time on their hands since the recreation centers, pools, theaters, boutique stores and especially the bars were closed due to the corona virus.

Community officials wanted to form a committee to look further into the problem, but the next day no one could remember why they needed a committee.
Smiles


Generation Gap, Rec'd from Annie 2020/07/16
A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the Internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies,...and,' pausing to take another drink of beer.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
“You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young.... So we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are YOU doing for the next generation?”

The applause was resounding...

I love senior citizens!
Smiles


Senior Humour, Rec'd from Annie 2020/07/22
This is a long one but worth taking time to watch...

This guy is superb !!!

You absolutely have to watch this, and probably share it with friends. You are guaranteed much laughter. It even makes me feel younger!
This was a guest speaker at an actual Conference on Aging in California; The speaker is a weatherman, but SHOULD be a stand up comic. Attendees were young and old alike, male and female.

It's at Utube
Smiles


Biblical Humour, Rec'd from Billie 2020/07/23
Smiles


Smiles for the Day, rec'd from Billie 2020/07/24
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and the toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.
Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.
In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.
The hoover was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!
The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip.
The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ........yes, you guessed it ??.....pull myself together.
Smiles
Keep Your Distance, rec'd from Annie 2020/07/25
I hope they give us two weeks’ notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.

New monthly budget: Gas $0; Entertainment $0; Clothes $0; Groceries $2,799.

Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.

Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now. We don't have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life!

When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.

I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."

Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 6 weeks.

It may take a village to raise a child but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home school one.

I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages. Worst Apocalypse. Ever.

You know those car commercials where there's only one vehicle on the road - doesn't seem so unrealistic these days ...

They can open things up next month, I'm staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.

Day 37: The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.

The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.
Appropriate analogy: "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now" = "The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now".
People keep asking: "Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?" Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it's probably pretty serious.
Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

Home school Day 1: I'm trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.

Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.

Okay, the schools are closed. So do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house or what?

For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us? Asking for myself ...

Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told "No" if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.

The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner ...

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."

Enjoy your day. You don't have anything else to do.
Smiles
Women and Pizza, rec'd from Annie 2020/08/21
Said a wise man to his son, "My boy, when you accumulate the understanding to know why a pizza is made round, to be put in a square box and eaten in triangles, then, my son, you will be able to understand women."
Smiles
Punny Potatoes, rec'd from Elizabeth 2020/08/31
A corny but fun chuckle, especially for those with a wee bit of Irish blood in them.

Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and, finally they married, and had a little sweet Potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts Of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of tater tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

On the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise, so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries. And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped....

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to PEI P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

In spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Peter Mansbridge.

Peter Mansbridge!!

Mr. And Mrs.Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Peter Mansbridge because he's just...

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

OK!

Here it is!

A COMMONTATER

NOW AREN'T YOU SORRY I HAVE YOUR eMAIL ADDRESS?
Smiles

Grandmas Don't Know Everything, rec'd from Pierre 2020/09/17
Subject: Grandmas don't know everything
Be Careful What you say!

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her:
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
Smiles

The Winter Boots, rec'd from Annie 2020/09/30
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her Pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
Smiles

The Science of Weather Forecasting, rec'd from Annie 2020/10/18
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'.
Smiles

Creative Accounting, rec'd from Annie 2020/10/18
Why everybody needs a good creative accountant.

A young woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her tax returns.

The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.’

He gets her name, address etc. and then asks, ' What's your occupation?’

'I'm a prostitute', she says.

The accountant is taken aback and says, 'That's too gross. Let's try to re-phrase that.”

The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl’ .

'No, that still won't work. Need something more acceptable.’

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, 'I'm an elite poultry farmer.’

The accountant asks, 'What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?’

'Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.’

Account says, 'brilliant, poultry farmer it is and agricultural income is tax-free.
Smiles

Mathematics for Success, rec'd from Annie 2020/10/26
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

And
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Knowledge and Hard work will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are.

Smiles

Donkey Race, rec'd from Annie 2020/11/13
Image removed due to copyright concerns.
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own.
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Smiles

Employee Notice, rec'd from Annie 2020/11/14
Subject: Employee Notice
Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Smiles

A Sweet Grandmother, rec'd from Alda 2020/10/19
Subject: A Sweet Grandmother

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.

Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News.”

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh%t."
Smiles

How to Win First Prize, rec'd from Alda 2020/10/22
Subject: How to win first prize!

Two little old ladies, Rhetha and Avril, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Rhetha, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show"!

"You're on!", said Avril, holding up a $10 bill.

So, Rhetha slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes.

She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth.

Then, completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling Rhetha came through the exit door to the sounds of a cheering, clapping crowd.

"What happened"? asked Avril.

"I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!"

Life is short ......

Break the rules.......

Forgive quickly......

Love truly........

Laugh uncontrollably ......and

Never regret anything that made you smile!!
Smiles

Senior Quiz, rec'd from Billie 2020/10/23
Subject: This May Be Harder Than You Think
THE ANSWERS WILL BE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE - BUT YOU JUST CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER THE CORRECT ANSWER.
DON'T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED TO FIGURE IT OUT.
A TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS. I was picky to whom I sent this. It had to be those who might actually remember. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us 'older kids'!
The answers are printed below, (after the questions) but don't cheat! Answer them first.....

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The ____ ___________ Show.

03. 'Get your kicks, __ _________ _______.'

04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to _____ _ _____.'

05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ____ ____ ____ ____.'

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____.'

07. Nestle's makes the very best.... _________.'

08. Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ______ ___________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______.

10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named ______ ___ ________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________ ________ '

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their ______ _______.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ___ & _______.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to _______ ____________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called __________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ______ _____ .

16. Remember LS/MFT _____ _____/_____ _____ _____?

17. Hey Kids! What time is it? It's _____ ______ _____!

18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? Only The _____ Knows!

19. There was a song that came out in the 60's that was "a grave yard smash" It's name was the ______ ______!

20. Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as it's Logo/Representative. What was the boy's name? ________

ANSWERS:

01.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.

02. The Ed Sullivan Show

03. On Route 66

04.To protect the innocent.

05.The Lion Sleeps Tonight

06. The limbo

07. Chocolate

08. Louis Armstrong

09. The Timex watch

10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'

11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)

12. Beetle or Bug

13. Buddy Holly

14. Sputnik

15. Hoola-hoop

16. Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco

17. Howdy Doody Time

18. Shadow

19. Monster Mash

20. Speedy

If you send this to your 'older' friends, it will drive them crazy! And keep them busy during this lock up season and let them forget their aches and pains or varied concerns for a few minutes.

OR alternatively read another book!
Smiles

A Month Before Christmas, rec'd from Terry 2020/10/26
T’was a Month Before Christmas 2020
T’was a month before Christmas,
And all through the town,
People wore masks,
That covered their frown.
The frown had begun
Way back in the Spring,
When a global pandemic
Changed everything.
They called it corona,
But unlike the beer,
It didn’t bring good times,
It didn’t bring cheer.
Contagious and deadly,
This virus spread fast,
Like a wildfire that starts
When fueled by gas.
Airplanes were grounded,
Travel was banned.
Borders were closed
Across air, sea and land.
As the world entered lockdown
To flatten the curve,
The economy halted,
And folks lost their verve.
From March to July
We rode the first wave,
People stayed home,
They tried to behave.
When summer emerged
The lockdown was lifted.
But away from caution,
Many folks drifted.
Now it’s November
And cases are spiking,
Wave two has arrived,
Much to our disliking.
Frontline workers,
Doctors and nurses,
Try to save people,
From riding in hearses.
This virus is awful,
This COVID-19.
There isn’t a cure.
There is no vaccine.
It’s true that this year
Has had sadness a plenty,
We’ll never forget
The year 2020.
And just ‘round the corner -
The holiday season,
But why be merry?
Is there even one reason?
To decorate the house
And put up the tree,
When no one will see it,
No-one but me.
But outside my window
The snow gently falls,
And I think to myself,
Let’s deck the halls!
So, I gather the ribbon,
The garland and bows,
As I play those old carols,
My happiness grows.
Christmas ain’t cancelled
And neither is hope.
If we lean on each other,
I know we can cope.
Smiles


Home Schooling 2020/11/29
Subject: Home Schooling

Most of us were Home Schooled in many ways...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My father taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My father taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

My mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My father taught me HUMOUR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

My father taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

This should be sent only to the over 65 crowd, because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents...
Smiles


A COVID Christmas, rec'd from Annie 2020/12/19
T’was the day before Christmas
and all through the house
the only thing stirring was
a little grey mouse.
No gathering this season
the rules had to change
no juicy big turkey
whose home on the range
But good things will happen
the scene will get better
if we all remain calm
through this helter skelter.
So still keep your distance
and keep wearing your mask
and we’ll all win together
in this common task.

Anon, 2020
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL.
Smiles


Four Retirees Visit a Bar, rec'd from Annie 2020/12/29
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price
Smiles


Einstein's Chauffeur, rec'd from Annie 2020/12/29
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.

One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
Smiles